How to Help a Child Struggling with Racial Identity

Dear Dr. Bill:
My 8-year-old granddaughter is the child of a white mother and black father. Her parents have divorced and now her father is no longer in the picture. My granddaughter often struggles with issues of her "color." For example, she says people assume she was adopted because her mother and brother are white, but she's "brown." And it bothers her that she's the only brown person on her soccer team and in the church choir. My granddaughter is very outgoing and expresses herself well, but she doesn't make friends easily. I wish I could help, but I'm at a loss on how to encourage her. And I haven't found any information about helping biracial children deal with such issues. Do you have advice for our family?

—Gwyn

Dear Gwyn:

Thanks so much for your e-mail. I commend you for your love and concern for your granddaughter, and your sensitivity to the struggle she is having with her racial identity. I asked my friend and colleague Dr. Veola Vazquez for her input on your question. Veola is an expert on this issue and can personally identify with your granddaughter, as she comes from a biracial family herself. The following is what she suggests.

First, don't be afraid to talk about race with your granddaughter. She needs to know that it's okay to be just who she is. Both you and her mother should communicate openly with her about her feelings and experiences. Spend a lot of time listening to truly understand her perspective. Ask open-ended questions like, "Tell me what you like or don't like about the way you look" or "Tell me about a time when you felt different from the kids at church."

Provide her with opportunities to interact with children and families of various ethnic backgrounds. This may be difficult in the city in which you live, but Dr. Vasquez feels it is critically important. There are support groups throughout the country for interracial families and biracial children. These can be found on the Internet.

Expose your granddaughter to multicultural media. This could include books, TV shows, videos, toys, dolls, games and artwork with multicultural characters and people that look like her. She needs to see beautiful, successful, happy people who are like her. She needs role models.

Teach her about differences and similarities amongst people. People are similar and different in many ways — not just race. But all people have similar feelings and the need for love and acceptance. So, even though she is different from many of her peers around her, she is also very much like them. Race is only a part of who she is and not the defining factor.

Also, teach her about racism in an age-appropriate way. Although she may not need to understand the complexities of slavery at her age, she will need to understand that sometimes people don't like people who are different from them and may treat them unkindly. She'll also need to learn how to respond to the comments or questions of others. Although adults and children can sometimes be rude with their comments about race, they are often just curious.

Finally, Veola suggests you take your granddaughter to a black hair care salon. Hair is a very important issue in the black community. Black girls and women often have a hard time taking care of their hair and can only learn this from other black women.

It will build your granddaughter's self-esteem and a sense of her own beauty to be around other women and girls with hair like hers who can teach her to care for it. The salon may become a place for social support as well. Black hair care salons are very community-oriented and being in one is like being in someone's home for an afternoon of fun.

Finally, Gwyn, there are a few books that you may find helpful. A great book for parents is I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World by Marguerite A. Write. Veola also recommends these books for your granddaughter: I Love My Hair by Natasha Tarpley and Shades of Black by Sandra Pinkney.